How emotional support can make the real difference...

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Emotional support is hard to quantify. It is a slow, gradual process, and sometimes those changes that happen as a result are so slight that they cannot be clearly recorded or identified. I am currently working with certain people who have made good progress in the way that they respond emotionally not just to other people but also to difficult situations. People who, a year ago, would have spun out of control at the slightest problem or negative experience in their lives, are now demonstrating the ability to reflect on circumstances, to think their choices through and consider the impact of those choices on their own lives and the lives of others, and who are growing in their ability to process emotions differently. Sometimes, the people we work with will tell us that they have been motivated to make different choices by the emotional support they have received, and sometimes it is evident in the way that they communicate with us.
Carly* is a lady I have supported for a while now. In the beginning she was very typical of our client group; rough sleeper, rootless, isolated, multiple complex support needs and not engaging with services. Back then, Carly would reject any suggestions of support, would shy away from any encouragement to reflect on cause and effect, and would withdraw into the perceived comfort of her isolation from the world rather than talk about how she was feeling. Over time, we talked and Carly started to open up. She became more comfortable in talking about past experiences, and about the way she viewed the world and her choices. She started to drip little bits of information to me along the lines of “the other day, when you said that to me, it made me think…”. The indication was that her thought processes were starting to change, and she certainly seemed to be thinking more about what happens next, and how her perceptions and choices could change what happens next.
One day, Carly said she felt ready to engage fully with drug treatment services. It was a big decision; she had engaged for brief periods before but never for any significant length of time. I agreed to collect Carly on the morning of the appointment and go with her, and she promised me with determination that she “wouldn’t let (me) down”. On the day of the appointment, I arrived to meet Carly, and she said she wasn’t going. She said she had other things to do, but she asked if I would give her a lift in the car to see a friend. I told Carly no. I reminded her of all the work she had done with me to prepare for this appointment and how determined she had been, and I said I was disappointed because I have seen such determination in her, and that I knew she was stronger than this. We exchanged a few frustrated words, and I left after she became annoyed that I wasn’t prepared to give her a lift elsewhere if she wasn’t going to go to her appointment. I expected a couple of days silence from her while she stewed over our falling out. Later that day, I got a phone call from the drug treatment service. Carly had attended later that day, apologising for missing the appointment and begging them to see her, and asking them to ring me and let me know she had attended. The next day, I met with her. She told me that what I said to her in the morning had made her think she was letting me down by not going to the appointment, but that as she thought more about it, she realised that the person she was letting down the most was herself, and that if I could believe in her enough to be annoyed that she was missing the appointment, she should believe in herself too. The drug service agreed to see her that afternoon that she attended on her own effort, and she has engaged really well with them since.

Carly has not used drugs for almost 6 months now. She still has a lot of support needs, and life is definitely not easy, but the way that she can now take a moment and think about the impact of choices is evident in the way that she has remained abstinent for such a long time despite very difficult life circumstances. The temptation to relapse into drug use when faced with stress or trauma has been a regular battle that she has fought and won in that time.
I had a chance meeting with Carly recently. She looked absolutely defeated. Carly told me about some devastating news she had just had that day. She said that she doesn’t feel strong enough to carry on and just wants oblivion, and when I met her, she was just on her way to score and use. I was so upset. I could totally empathise with her need to escape this awful news she had received, but to see the strong, confident, articulate woman that I had seen emerge over the past few months reduced to someone who had lost the spirit to carry on was heartbreaking. I told her so. I told her that I am frightened. Frightened that tomorrow, when I get to work, I will have that message waiting for me that Carly was found dead last night because she used after a long period of abstinence and didn’t know how low her tolerance levels had become. We talked for a while, all the time Carly was determined she would score and use and no one would change her mind. After a while, out of the blue, she said “no fuck it, I’m not gonna do it”. She said that hearing that someone cares enough to be frightened about what might happen to her had made her think. We talked even more, and she went on her way with a different plan which didn’t involve using drugs. I’m not going to tell you that I think a few words from me did all this, and to be honest I was worried that she might have said what she thought I wanted to hear so she could get rid of me and carry on with plan A, and so before we parted company I asked her to meet me in the morning.
The next morning, Carly didn’t turn up. To say I was worried comes nowhere near. I waited around in case she was late, and after half an hour, just as I was getting up to go, Carly came bounding round the corner. She looked well, she said she didn’t use last night, and from her bright appearance and manner I don’t doubt it. Carly said that the reminder from me about how far she has come, combined with the knowledge that she means enough to someone for them to be frightened had made her think about everything, and about what the different outcomes of her decisions could be. It was not the words I said to her, but it was those words that triggered her thought process. I didn’t talk her out of using drugs last night, she decided that for herself after the emotional support had changed the path of her thought process.
They say that one volunteer is better than 10 pressed men, and I think this is true of support work; telling someone what they should do is far less effective than supporting the person to be able to make reasoned and informed choices of their own free will.

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